Introducing...

Boeuf Tornadoes!

This is gonna be an alternative blog next to this one. Blogdrive is getting increasingly temperamental and I was thinking of trying something new anyway. I will be posting more often in the new blog. Won't be abandoning vita-logy yet though.

Edit: Eh I have to trouble all of you who sees this to update your links. Decided to move over to the other blog. Really sorry for the inconvenience!

I think I may have changed. In more ways than one. Things that used to interest me in the past have a lesser effect on me now. The old Phaedre is gone. The new is still yet to discover herself...

The Outsider will always remain as one, no matter what he or she does. We can never fully understand each other. No. Not even ourselves. Life for some, will continue to be a never-ending struggle of search for identity and acceptance.

What do I really want? What is it that I am searching for?  Why do I continue to press on, knowing that this quest for identity will prove to be fruitless? Society will simply continue to reject me anyway, so why bother?

We, as human beings, have this innate characteristic in us to constantly desire for something out of our reach. The harder it is to grasp, the stronger our desire for it, much to our own detriment.

 

Ultimately, the question still stands. Who am I? What is the very thing that causes me to feel this way?

I simply can't do anything right. Not with this nagging flu of mine. The fact that my @#&*^ Philo term paper is due this Monday is not helping either. I've racked my brains for anything intelligent to start off with but noooooo. I can't come up with anything close to that of a philo essay. It's just too bad for me then. I'm just not as smart or 'gifted' as those peeps on the Philo blog. I can't even come up with a simple constructive argumentative statement. It's not that I didn't try ok? I did. I really did. It just doesn't tie up with the way my brain works. Too bad la! There's no point in me trying to fight this thing which will just drag me around and knock me senseless in the end. Yes, I'm of poor and little faith. Think whatever you want of me. I don't really care anymore.

My brand new, $2999 Sony Vaio notebook has chosen, of all times to die on me just when I'm about to start on my whole barrage of term papers. After many relentless attempts to kick-start the darn thing into existence, I finally had to succumb to the fact that the hard disk was screwed and there was nothing I could do about it. The worse part is that I HAVE to use it to type my assignments because for some strange reason, I can't install my Microsoft Office into my other laptop! Why does all all these crap have to happen to me now? ARRRGH SBARBAWRASDFFAVAKVK!

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Just happened to have a casual conversation with Cheryl on this topic today. Is it really better to feel emotional pain rather than be stoic and not let things ruffle us?  It is indeed true that feeling emotional pain does enable us to be more aware of our 'existence' somewhat and also helps to create doors for eventual recovery rather remaining numb and apathetic. 

I'm not sure why, but at this point in time, I beg to differ. Perhaps I may not be making any sense here but what if feeling this emotional pain results in yourself becoming even more isolated and alone? Wouldn't this only serve to increase the pain that you already feel? By trying to remain stoic, doesn't this allow you to continue on with daily tasks and ease you from the paranoia and fear of being isolated? Generally, most people, unless they're comfortable enough, are quite put off by emotional leaks or outbursts. Sadly, it is quite hard to find people who are open-minded enough to deal with situations like this.

For me, as for now, I choose to remain stoic for as long as I can maintain it. Peace of mind is the most important aspect.

 

 

There's still alot that I need to change about myself and I know that God is slowly but surely transforming me into the person He wants me to be. This definitely won't exactly be an easy phase but nonetheless, I need to have the courage and perseverance to deal with whatever that comes my way. I'm really thankful to God for blessing me with the many wonderful friends that I currently have, who are ever so patient with me. I know I'm not that easy to deal with sometimes so I really appreciate all your care and concern.

I'm also very thankful that God has led me to the Hope Church (NUS) group. I really hope that He will continue to bless my relationship with them and for me to establish and build friendships. However, I am aware that the Devil will not simply rest easy with this and he will continue to do his tricks. Nevertheless, I AM going to stand strong with the knowledge, wisdom and faith in God and constantly keep my heart guarded, at all costs.

Beautiful Lord, wonderful Saviour,
I know for sure all of my days are held in Your hand.
Crafted into Your perfect plan.

 

Please pardon me for lack of a positive entry but there are certain issues that I need to get off my chest.

I really do wish that I was more of an extrovert, a people-person. If you ask me, it really sucks sometimes to be trapped in your own little 'shell' just because you happen to be naturally shy and reserved. I know what you all are going to say, that I should try to break out of this..blah blah blah. Yes, I am trying. It isn't as easy as it looks, seriously. To tell the truth, I get the jitters when faced with the prospect of meeting a new person one-on-one.

Another thing, I don't like being an 'emo' person and by 'emo' I'm not talking about that mainstream poseur crap. No one understands you, and you can't even understand yourself. Perhaps there are some strengths in being 'emo'? Well I do not know about that for now, that's for sure. Being sensitive to the feelings of others is good but with it also comes the inability to take criticisms well.

I think I need some serious ego-boosting. Right now as I'm typing this, I'm feeling very edgy over some consent form for psychological research participation which I was supposed to submit on Wed. Perhaps this is causing the irritable mood and hence, this entry. Gahh!

Dear Friends,

Unfortunately, I have been unable to continue my abstinence from online games and now, I have turned into an amateur online-gaming GEEK. I'm now one of those who stay at home practically day mindlessly staring at the screen for hours and thinking of various different ways to progress in my game. Only now it isn't Maple Story. It is Habbo Hotel. Argh.

I used to think it was dumb and a waste of time and money to collect virtual items but I take it all back now. I'm bothering on obsession with collecting and trading pixelated furniture!  And to top it off, it isn't making things better for my already screwed up biological clock.

This is why I besiege all of you, to help me out in this. I do not have much self-discipline to gradually reduce my addiction so I hope you all can help me in any way or other. Playing for leisure is one thing, but addiction? Well, it's another story.

Sincerely,
Phaedre